Follow My Inner....What?

"Follow Your Inner Moonlight; Don't hide the Madness." - Allen Ginsberg


I hear you Allen, I really do, and believe me, if I had some inner moonlight these days I'd sure as hell be following it! Madness? I wish I had some to hide, not that I would be hiding it...I mean seriously, I could use a little madness these days. In fact, I CRAVE madness, NEED it even. You know, the kind that makes one be "starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets and dawn... burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of the night". I'd do anything to burn for something.

Problem is...I spent 90 percent of the first two days of this week sleeping and the other 10 percent lying on the couch watching DVR'd episodes of TLC's "What Not To Wear" and "10 Years Younger".

This does not exactly make me the " next writing /novelist / journalistic / editorial genius of the world" material I have been conjuring in my head since pre-adolescence. I might even be more exciting if I dropped some acid (Allen Ginsberg style) and watched "What Not To Wear" . Alas, I once made a strict drug rule for my self that goes : if I didn't try it in college than it's too late to try it in the real world. Call it limiting my creativity, I call it saving myself from a downward spiral I have probably never been too far away from falling into (stems from all of that never resist the unfamiliar crap).

Anyway, sometime late last night my boyfriend pulled me off the couch (but not before I could watch The Hills! (SIGH, what quality!)) and pointed out the filth I had been living in -which included my own mascara encrusted tear ducts - and prompted me to get my act together.

So I cleaned. My apartment and my self. I even ran the dishwasher and separated the laundry. Today I did all of that laundry, folded it nicely, made it to the dry cleaner and I even cleaned my closet of clothes I no longer wear so I could bring them to Salvo (wow, impressive!).

So now, with my literal and figurative corners cleared of cobwebs, why the hell does this self-proclaimed "Life Junkie" still find herself, well, lifeless?

I guess, in truth, I lost my moonlight sometime last winter.. and try as I might, it's been kind of hard to find ever since. I was 22, fresh out of college, eager to move to New York City and start the whole REAL LIFE thing everyone had been hyping (okay maybe that was just me).

I found myself a job the fall before I graduated, spent my last semester of college feeling like my growth was being stunted (It was an extra semester due to embracing the madness a little too much back in the day), and even said bon voyage to my binge drinking/sorority girl ways by breaking up with my college sweetheart.

I left him, and everything else behind in upstate New York just as the last of the brilliant orange foliage fell to the floor and the snow plows got the salt ready for the long winter ahead. I was on to bigger and better things....right?


My job was great at first. I liked my co-workers, I liked my boss, I enjoyed what I was doing for the most part and I wasn't too bad at it either. I missed my ex-boyfriend but told myself this was for the best, we would be together again when the time was right. Then the daily grind set in, followed by an office attitude change. The atmosphere went from light and pleasant to back- stabbing and brutish.

I went home every night and cried myself to sleep in my beautiful apartment with a view of the Chrysler building, a designer rug and a mattress on the floor (yep, everything was still so fresh my furniture hadn't even arrived from the warehouse). I couldn't believe the switch - was I creating it in my head?

Day after day I faced cold answers to my bubbly "Good morning!", irritated sideways glances and barking orders from behind shielded cubicle walls. On top of everything, my boss told me he knew I "didn't like to be told what to do". Me? Little old me? The same girl who was too scared to leave school with the other seniors on annual Senior Skip Day? The same girl who can still be frozen solid in fear with one evil eye from her mother? Was he serious?

The days that followed were a haze of endless episodes of American Idol through bleary tear filled eyes, mind numbing headaches and fatty Chinese food lunches to band-aid the angst. I know, I'm a baby, what can I say? I can't stand being pegged, especially when it's not true. I just wanted to disappear.

So, one day, I quit.

My parents had been bugging me to do so for weeks but my pride told me it would be a bad idea. Then, one rainy Tuesday I took a deep breath and asked my boss if I could speak with him privately. I don't even think I knew what I was going to do for sure.

Feeling a little nauseous and a lot shaky, I cried through my whole confession. I told him how unhappy I was and that I had come to the realization that this career path was just not for me. He prodded and poked and the longer we stayed behind closed doors the more I spilled. This was not in my original plan.

I left feeling, well, a little raped of my soul, and completely stripped of my dignity. I ran out of his office and into the elevator shivering with my proverbial tail between my legs, blotchy faced and trying not to sob under the broken umbrella in the street when I called my ex-boyfriend for support.

When the lady behind the counter at my corner bodega asked if I was okay when I tried to buy a bottle of water to calm myself, I thought: Oh Great, now everyone in the world is witness to my deterioration and I still had to face my doorman. I lied to both of them about something really absurd, like a death in the family. I know they couldn't not ask, I mean - I looked like a bruised tomato shining in the sun, but what was I supposed to say?: "Oh, Sorry, It's just...I thought I was going to rule the world a month ago and now I am crying on rainy street corners wishing I never fought to move away from home or broke up with my ex?"

My big plans for the future had been a little more than trumped. There I stood, starving hysterical naked. And not in a good way.

I wish I could say I spent the next 3 months of summer gallivanting around the city in sequined miniskirts, victoriously throwing my head back in care-free laughter, winking at strange cute men across crowded rooms and drinking glorious pink and lime green liquids out of martini glasses while dancing on table tops in the latest Jimmy Choos.

What really happened is as follows:

I got back together with the ex-boyfriend who subsequently obtained a job close to NYC and moved in with me (somewhat temporarily).
Spent the days watching: "What I Like About You" and "What Not To Wear" until I watched every season multiple times.
Attempted and failed: 2 novels, a dozen short stories and one freelance writing career. Accomplished: Two creative writing classes at NYU, a nice trip to Nantucket & one to California as well as the glorious obtainment of a self diagnosed anxiety disorder coupled with a bazillion new-found insecurities about my self as a person and the path of life I have chosen.

Which leads me to September.

The month was spent applying to exactly 100 jobs after I decided it was time to get my act together, and I probably could never get into grad-school since I had completely forgotten everything Math related and figured that knowledge was kind of a must for the GRE. I went on a total of three interviews. One I rejected due to it's internship status, and two which rejected me. Well, one didn't even call me back, so I guess I assumed the answer to "did they like me?" ended in the letter "o".

I dealt with these rejections in a very mature way. I spent the weekend at a Sheraton Hotel in upstate New York, clearing bongs on dirty fraternity porches, streaking through parks in the middle of the night, sharing beds with multiple people and huddling over toilet seats in early morning desperation. It was glorious.

Hence, the past two days of dirty, sleeping, depression bliss. So I ask, just like Peter Pan could lose his shadow when he flew down to the real world from Never-Never Land, do you think it is possible I have just momentarily misplaced my moonlight?

So much for sucking in the experience...WELP, until next time, you can find me attempting to burn for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of the night....sounds exciting, doesn't it?