The Beauty In The Breakdown...

"...So let go, jump in.
oh well, whatcha waiting for?
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
oh, it's so amazing here..."

-Frou Frou


Okay, so my attitude has shifted a little this week. I am still living off of English Muffins and peanut butter, only leaving my apartment if I have to and not bothering to get dressed- but, I am waking up earlier, cleaning my house obsessively again and generally just not wallowing in misery that doesn't really exist. I have sort of made the switch in mind frame that mirrors a certain mind frame I have been in before, one I adopted back in my early college days, the scene of my first "breakdown".

In those days, it had a lot to do with a boy, which seems trivial now, but it was real then. These days, my problems feel a little more weighty, but I have found solace in realizing that in several years (if not sooner) I will probably laugh at this so called "dark" period. In retrospect - and there is always retrospect- some of those moments you once believed to be your darkest are actually the most beautiful ones.

In college, everything kind of came together for me at the start of my Junior year. I moved off campus to an adorable little house with three roommates. Two of them were previous roommates and friends from the beginning of college, the other girl was a friend of a friend who needed a place to live. It's funny how you can get to points in your life where you believe you have already made all of the long lasting friendships you are ever going to have or experienced that feeling of truly getting to know someone for the last time. It's funny because we are usually wrong, the ability to do this is always inside of us, and the opportunity is always there. It's funny because, at nineteen, the year I met Lee, I thought I had reached that place.

Lucky for me, I hadn't even gotten close to reaching that place. Without Lee entering into my life, I often wonder if I ever would have fully developed beyond the person I had shriveled into after my sophomore year. I smile whenever I think how reluctant I was to let a new person in - to have a roommate that wasn't already an established friend. I met her the day I moved in to our new house - my other roommates were not yet in sight and Lee had already moved into the room right next door to mine. It was late afternoon as my mother and I began lugging my belongings up the stairs to my bedroom from our car outside. Lee stood in the hallway, teetering in heels and a mini skirt, preparing to head out for happy hour.

It kills me that this is the first place I ever met her, not only because Lee's insatiable love of happy hour defines her socially-in a comical way- to this day, but also because teetering heels and a mini skirt are exactly the last thing I would think of to describe the Lee I now know and love.

We were also meeting in a very strange moment, I was sweaty and tired, she was sexy and energetic- we had a moment of "Hi, this is awkward-now I live with you and we are going to have to force ourselves to be friends whether we like it or not." It was the precursor to the next two years of fabulousness I spent living with Lee- cultivating a friendship through the kind of bonds sisters might have. You don't necessarily have the same friends, the same outlook on life, the same tastes or the same hangouts- but you get you each other, possibly better than anyone else. It is a bond formed by sharing the same bathroom, the same stash of condoms, the same bills, the same favorite spot on the couch, the same Tuesday night TV regime, the same kitchen knives, and for me and Lee, the same broken heart.

Lee taught me many things during our two years under the same roof, things that have nothing to do with college or boys or sharing a bathroom with 5 women - and I'm sure I taught Lee some things too- mostly because we were learning and growing together. However, the moments that often stand out the most for me are the ones in which we were learning that the beauty in life is, in actuality, in the breakdown.

Of course, it was the year Garden State came out and Lee dragged me to the local independent community theatre with her friend, Mackenzie, to go see it. We weren't yet best friends, but one day, I would have the honor of giving that title to both Lee and Mackenzie (however that sparks a much longer story!). The three of us sat practically alone in the tiny old fashioned theatre, being polite, sharing popcorn and shooting the breeze about mostly surface level topics- because we barley knew each other yet. When the lights went off and the picture began rolling, we were relieved to get lost in the movie.

That movie kind of changed our lives that day, as few movies have ever done for me. I know, however, that I am not alone in that claim. Garden State was a craze that year- the soundtrack blasted out of cars on ever street corner, Zach Braff fan clubs sprouted everywhere, everyone wanted to prove that the movie absolutely meant the most to them- and we believed it meant the most to us too.

Oh, the nights we spent that autumn in that little house discussing life and blasting the Garden State soundtrack- allowing the smell of freshly lit fires and falling leaves to drift in through the windows, giving us bursts of inspiration. I had found a new way to love life - and those words- So let go, jump in, whatcha waiting for?- I wasn't waiting for anything anymore, i let go and let the pain wash over me, I jumped into it -and it eventually turned to joy.

I think back on that time and picture me and little Lee, holed up in the dark and drafty enclosed porch that connected to her bedroom, one little yellow lamp burning in the corner and our long-johned legs leaning against the wall as we lay on the floor listening to that song, talking deep into the night, sharing secrets, desires, fears, stories, painful memories, joyful memories, just getting to know each other-allowing for beauty in the breakdown- and when I think of that, my whole body feels warm.

I may not have Lee anymore, or any of the dozen or so roommates I enjoyed throughout my years in college- but Frou Frou was definitely onto something when they wrote that song-and I can still "let go" and "jump in" the same way becoming friends with Lee taught me to do. I have gone from clawing at my eyes in anxiousness, begging for a life to find me, to accepting whatever it is I am going through right now, trusting I will eventually have an answer, but for right now, this is alright. I feel like a proverbial weight has been lifted off of my shoulders in just remembering that eventually, there will be retrospect, and just like with the retrospect of the enclosed porch nights with Lee- i want it to be beautiful.

I will let go, i will jump in, i will embrace the beauty in the breakdown- because I am young and alive and free and even if it isn't always clear right now- it's so amazing here.